


The Most Dysfunctional Family in History

by Minato_Michaelis



Category: Naruto, Naruto (Anime) RPF
Genre: Akatsuki Uzumaki Naruto, Everyone Is Gay, Family Dynamics, Good Akatsuki (Naruto), Haruno Sakura Bashing, Kurama is a fox no one deserves, M/M, Other, Sasodei for life, Sasori is a good boy, Village Bashing, family au, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-01-20 20:30:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21287738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minato_Michaelis/pseuds/Minato_Michaelis
Summary: Taking Jinchurikis, killing masked people, and slightly domestic life, well shoot this weird. Yup, a domestic Akatsuki family story, join this weird dysfunctional mess on their daily lives and enjoy the minor additions to the group! Aka would've happened if I had control of Naruto, warning there will be slight puppet favoritism, sakura bashing, and village bashing, because the last two are cruel to good characters, don't like it beat it! Also yes I know some of the things in here can't actually happen, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut it's my book. Buh bye!
Relationships: Akatsuki & Uzumaki Naruto, Deidara & Uzumaki Naruto, Deidara/Sasori (Naruto), Gaara & Uzumaki Naruto, Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto), Nagato | Pain & Uzumaki Naruto, Sasori & Gaara, Sasori & Pein, Sasori & Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 509
Kudos: 75





	1. Peace Found in Freedom

It was a normal night in the Akatsuki base, Deidara and Hidan arguing, Zetsu tending to his garden, Pein doing paperwork and yelling at Konan to stop folding his damn paperwork, Itachi is painting his nails, Tobi is being an idiot in his room, Kakuzu is counting money, and Kisame is reading. Where is Sasori? Well, he is cooking, by order of Pein. Turning away from the bowl he is preparing, he yells, "SET THE TABLE BRAT," towards the living room. Judging by the growl and grumbles stomping in the kitchen his message was received. After the table was set, the food was placed down, and the members were cleaned up and sat at the table, dinner began. It was full of playful banter and calm smiles, the room filled with a gentle aura for an S-rank criminal dinner table. "Sasori, did you complete my orders for your mission successfully," Pein asks him seriously as he gazes at the small redhead. Nodding his head with a small smirk, he stares at his leader, "Have I ever failed you?" Pein simply nods in agreement, "Fair enough." With everyone, but one ninja aware of the plan, they gaze around very confused, "What plan?" Pein spares them a glance, "For you to know pain." A mere second later, they collapsed to the ground paralyzed and pissed.

"So he's unable to move now?" An affirmative nod from the still eating puppet was all it took for their leader to grin like a madman. "In that case," Pein cracked his knuckles and drug the paralyzed Tobi to his office where he proceeded to beat the man to an inch of his life. "All the bullshit you've put me through, this was way overdue." A growl from the man, made him look up, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Pein rolled his eyes and lifted his palm, "ALMIGHTY PUSH!" Tobi flew through the door and rolled in the circle of pissed off Akatsuki members. "It's simple Tobi, un! You're being overthrown, hm!" Laughter followed the bomber's proclamation before they all proceed to beat the crap out of Tobi, except for the little puppet boy that was still eating and Itachi who was joining him. "Such barbarians," this made the puppet chuckle with the simple response, "Humans have a strong urge for revenge when betrayed, it makes for great entertainment." The Uchiha couldn't even argue considering his Sasuke situation so he nodded in agreement. "Ahem! If you are quite down beating that asshole can I poison him now?" Everyone stopped and stared at the redhead before pouting and nodding. "Thank you," standing from the table and walking over to them, Sasori gave himself a minute to almost feel bad for the man before shoving it away and beating him up a bit too, "feels good." The other's murmur in agreement before watching the boy take off his cloak to reveal his perfect puppet body, right down to those teal nails and ninja pants. "I would ask if you have any last words, but I don't give a fuck." With that, he straightens out his body and sends his poisoned stinger into Tobi's body and soon retrieves it. Dying swiftly Tobi glares hatefully at them all and utters the simple phrase, "See you in hell, monsters," before succumbing to the poison and dying ending his agony. Everyone heaves a deep breath and relaxes for the first time, speaking in sync, "Finally we're free." 

Popping champagne and chatting pleasantly in the Akatsuki living room, the members mumbled about their newfound freedom. A clinking on a glass drew everyone to Pein who's standing with a pleasant smile on his face for once, "Now that we've gotten rid of that thorn we're able to move on to actual plans of peace instead of destruction." A wooden hand raised, "Does that mean Deidara can stop his disgrace, that he calls art." His response was a punch to the arm and a growl, "Why the hell am I dating you again?!" A series of chuckles echoed the room at the artist duo, while Konan was having a yaoi attack in the corner of the room. "No Sasori, but it does mean our plans have changed for the better, we're going to be enacting a series of crucial missions," now holding everyone's attention he had a serious look in his eye, "starting with bringing the Jinchuriki of Konoha here." Kakuzu sighed, "If we're going through with Madara's plan anyway, then what was the point of killing him?" At this Pein scoffed. "You misunderstand, we aren't taking out the Jinchuriki's we are going to have him join the Akatsuki," now that shocked everyone into silence.

"We're bringing him and Suna's here to join us, they're most likely to be willing participants." Deidara spoke up this time, "And what makes you think two little kids, while want to join a group of S-rank criminals willingly?" A hum echoed the room as Itachi voiced his thoughts to Deidara's irritation, "Well Deidara their lives in their villages are rather, terrible, so it's natural they'll want to leave for even the smallest chance for a better life." Nodding in approval Pein continued, "Exactly, besides I've had Zetsu and an informant from Kiri observe their movements and frankly with the suffering these kids go through, I doubt they will say no. If they do we won't make them." All the members slowly blinked at their leader with a "WTF" face, "That kind of goes against the peace plan." Shrugging variations of "fair enough" filled the air. "Good now, we will collect the Jinchurikis one at a time, Konoha's Jinchuriki will be scouted by Itachi and Kisame and Suna's will be Sasori and Deidara." The two teams nodded to the leader with a, "Yes Leader-sama." Smiling sir Carrot said, "We don't have to be so strict anymore, outside of mission business anyways. Enjoy the night, Kisame and Itachi, you leave in three days. Sasori, I need to speak with you in my office."

Follow the walking vegetable into his office, Danna shut the door and sat in a chair in front of his big ass desk full of paperwork. "Well done on completing the mission, it went perfectly and I must thank you," examining his nails with a smirk the puppet simply uttered, "It was my pleasure." Snickering the pierced man gazed at the boy, "Now I have another job for you." This made the redhead pout slightly, "If I didn't know any better I'd think you find me useful." Rolling his eyes the leader gave him a playful glare, "You wound me of course I do, you're one of my most valuable members with your sharp comebacks, diverse skills, ability to calm Deidara down (what a blessing), do nails and hair, and play doctor (minds out the gutter), oh and play games against." Now the same color of his hair, Danna looked away, "Thanks." Pein grinned, "As for your mission I need your medical skills, let's start with Itachi's blind ass, shall we." 


	2. Tale of the Brat, the Shark, and the Underpaid Puppet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the hell has happened to Itachi?! Why is Sasori scarred for life?! Why did Pein need to be patched up?! And I think Kisame is going to need a big bottle of booze.

A week after that murderous night, Itachi and Kisame begin their ridiculously long trip to Konoha. Sprinting on through the downpour of Amegakure the two ninjas discuss tactics for the upcoming recruit mission. However, Kisame's mind is quite far from the mission, instead choosing to focus on his partner. By order of Pein-sama, Sasori had to create medicines that would possibly help Itachi's sight improve, sadly most of the others failed. 

~Flashback~

Test 1: "Itachi!" Bolting to Sasori's room, the young raven looked to his superior, well tried to. "I'm right here," turning the boy in the right direction the poor carrot man could merely shake his head. "I need you to try this medication," shoving the liquid down the boy's throat (yes I know how terrible that sounds) the Uchiha immediately gagged. "It tastes awful!" The puppet merely scoffed, "Name a single medicine that works great and tastes good!" Sighing the carrot man glared at the two, "Who cares about the taste?! Does it work?!" His answer came at Itachi falling to his knees and starting to burp out fire, which caused Sasori to flip his shit and run to the corner screaming. "GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT BEFORE YOU BURN ME OR MY BABIES!!!!!!" Unable to move, the Uchiha could merely keep burping till it ended. After catching his breath the Uchiha had a realization, "Wow! I've never felt cleaner! It's like that medicine cleared every unhealthy thing in my body with the burps!" Pein now calming the shaking puppet boy looked at the raven, "But can you see?" With that the Uchiha chuckled nervously, "Not really no..." and that's when everything when dark for the poor horrified little redhead. Test 1 result, failure, but success for instant body cleansing. 

Test 2: "UCHIHA!" Practically breaking down the door the raven looked around Sasori's room, "WHAT'S WRONG?!" Staring at the dumbass in his doorless doorway Sasori tried not to insta-kill him, "YOU OWE ME A NEW FUCKING DOOR!!!!!!!!!!" Flinching at the furious redhead, the Uchiha looked down guilty, "I thought you were in trouble..." at this, the puppet sighed, "You are so damn lucky, I care about your stupid ass!" With this, he shoved the new concoction down Itachi's throat and waited, but the result was so instant he nearly got whiplash. "HOLY SHI-" The Uchiha smiled so widely it was terrifying and his eyes glowed neon green like they were radioactive before he zoomed around the room, blowing everything including Danna to the ground. Hearing clangs, Sasori saw his dented or busted can of Pledge and other wood polishers, "NO! Mon amour, Mon ange, Mon trésor, Mon coeur! SPEAK TO ME!!!!!!!!!" Deidara who was watching this freakshow from his bed, glared down at the redhead, "You never say any of that to me!" That made the redhead bolt after the hyperactive Uchiha, rather than stay and deal with his pissed-off boyfriend. After gathering the whole Akatsuki, chasing Itachi around the base for 8 hours, and trying not to break their necks on the damage and debris everywhere, they finally managed to catch and inject the boy with the antidote. Test 2 result, horrific failure, but great for anyone doing a graveyard shift. 

Test 99: By this point, the Uchiha was terrified of his adorable redhead friend and his horrific experiments. He's come up with a cure for everything BUT his sight! So now he was left debating if he should trust the boy, giving him the biggest and cutest little brown puppy eyes ever, "Last time, I promise." He heard that 12 times already, but every time he gave into those damn eyes! "LAST. TIME." With a large sigh, the Uchiha gulped down the red liquid and prayed. But after a minute of silence, he opened his eyes and gasped, he could see the small redhead's hopeful look. In barely a whisper he uttered, "It worked..." before screaming it to the rooftop. And while later that night, everyone celebrated, no one knew about the horror that happened to the poor redhead behind his door, as a result of the side effects. No one knew why Sasori was depressed in the corner at the party, why he beat the everloving shit out of Pein, or why he dodged Itachi like the plague, but eventually they'll find out (poor souls). Test 99 result, success with horrific aftermath. 

The day Kisame and Itachi were preparing to leave, a small tug at Kisame's sleeve sent his following the little puppet to the hallway. "I need to warn you about Itachi and his new medicine, it works but the side effects are pretty horrible." Kisame stared at the boy concerned, "It won't hurt him right?" Shaking his head, "Not him but probably your feelings and head." Now Kisame was just confused, "What the hell are you talking about?" Sighing the puppet stared at the shark man, "It makes him different! Mean! He hurt my feelings so bad I didn't want to leave Hiruko only for him to apologize and hug me." Scoffing the shark man rolled his eyes at the small boy, "Now you're being dramatic! I think I'll be fine, kid." Rolling his eyes at Kisame's disappearing figure, "They never listen. "You'll be fine" huh? We'll see about that." His point was proven when he heard Itachi yell at Kisame to "Move his slow blue ass and hurry the fuck up." Smirking Sasori shrugged, "Yeah he'll be fine," before strutting off to his room like a boss. Kisame could merely stare after him in horror at the realization, he may have been right after all.

~End of Flashback~ 

With the speed the two were moving, they should reach two villages without needing a rest. How wrong he was. "Kisameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my feet hurt!" At this, the shark man scoffed, "We've only been running two hours! Suck it up!" Hearing a growl, the blue man turned to his partner only to see him relaxing under a big tree. "What the fuck man!? We have to go," Kisame shouted at his suddenly lazy partner. "Fuck off! Unless you're carrying me, I'm not going anywhere," giving Kisame a typical smug Uchiha look, the young teen simply checks his nails. 'This is unbelievable! Where is my partner?! Why is Sasori always right?!' Kisame was at a loss for what to do and simply gave in and let the kid have his break. After twenty fucking minutes, the little brat decided he would continue and they finally started to run again. Unfortunately, this happened three more times and by the third time, Kisame had enough! "MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS! WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO KONOHA AND DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR BULLSHIT!" All Itachi did was ignore the man like he wasn't even there, but still said, "Kiss my ass." Kisame wanted to kill this little brat's head in, but what he did was sling Itachi across his shoulder, like a sack of potatoes and carried on. Itachi was pissed. "Let me the fuck down, you creep!" The shark smirked, "No you said and I quote, "Unless you're carrying me, I'm not going anywhere" soooooo I'm just going to carry you." The Uchiha threw a tantrum, kicking the hell out of Kisame's stomach and kneeing his chest, punching the hell out his back, and even biting him. This went on for about 4 hours before Kisame gave in and went to a hotel for the night. He threw the raven in the room on the ground and collapsed in bed, "If you want food, buy it your fucking self!" Finally, Kisame was able to fall asleep. By now the medicine wore off and Itachi felt as terrible as he did with Sasori. "I'm so sorry Kisame." Getting up, the Uchiha boy ran out, in search of something to make it up to his friend. 

By morning, Kisame was reluctant to open his eyes, but at the smell of his favorite food, he did it. Sitting up the shark man saw, his favorite breakfast steaming on the nightstand of his bed and coffee in a "World's Best Partner" travel mug. "I'm sorry." Glance to the right he saw a sad and guilty Uchiha, curled on the bed. "It's not your fault, it's the medicine. Sasori warned me, but I dismissed him. Kinda wish I listened." Sadly, that statement didn't help at all, merely made the boy worse, "I'm going to lose two amazing friends over my stupid sight!" That sentence made Kisame jump next to the boy, "Hey, Hey, Hey! I'm not going anywhere and neither is puppet! We know this is hard, eventually, you will get use to it, but that takes time!" Looking away the raven said quietly, "You're just saying that." Kisame made Itachi look at him, "Nope! These side effects are hell, but if it will help you get better, then we can face them together. You, me, and all the Akatsuki." Having a new hope glimmering in his eyes, Itachi hugged his long-time friend, "Thank you." Kisame simply hugged the teen back. "You're part of our family, meaning you're stuck with us. And something as small as this will never stop that." 

With damaged bonds mended, the two Akatsuki members took off and soon Itachi's medicine kicked off. "I can't believe I'm going back to this shitty village." Shrugging Kisame glanced at his partner, "I know it's probably awful, but look at the bright side, it's only for a short time." Thinking for a minute, Itachi nodded, "True, we're just getting Naruto and leaving, do you think he'll join." Now it was Kisame's turn to ponder, "If Jinchuriki's are treated as badly as you said, then most likely." The rest of the journey was done, fairly quickly after two more days and Itachi and Kisame started to almost get used to Itachi's medication. Soon enough, the two ninjas arrived at their destination, Konoha. "Let's get that Jinchuriki!" 


	3. Happy Birthday! Our Precious Puppet!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a certain puppet's unhappy birthday, can it be turned around or is it too late?

Sasori was very upset, all day, ALL FUCKING DAY PEOPLE IGNORED HIM! Not a "Happy Birthday Sasori", "Happy B-Day Puppet Boy!", not even a "Happy Birthday Pinnochio" or a "Hn." Nothing. It hurt, his for some reason still work heart. He regrets getting his emotions back. Because the one person he expected to remember forgot too. His precious Deidara, his beautiful blonde bomber, forgot his birthday. Not a hug, kiss, clay heart or statue, breakfast, or overly excited "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNA, UN!!!" Not a damn thing! And right now, after all the shit he does and deals with on a daily basis, he was debating on poisoning the whole Akatsuki! He felt so, hurt and neglected! He did something for all their birthdays! Even if he didn't like them! The entire organization forgot about him! Even if they didn't mention his birthday, they still just ignored him! They wouldn't talk to him! They were even cold to him. "That's it. Clearly, the only reason I'm here is so they can take advantage of me! No more!" His mind was set, '_Time to go._' Taking out a few scrolls he began to pack his things while reminiscing his horrible day.

~Flashback to this morning~

Sunlight kissed the ex-Suna nin's face as his eyes slipped open, glancing he noticed a certain blonde gone and frowned. '_No morning hug, kiss, or coffee, ouch._' Wondering where is, Sasori freshens up, choosing some black ninja pants and a black t-shirt with a scorpion on it he walked to the kitchen. He did a double-take and saw that the Akatsuki was cleaning up from their breakfast and left nothing. He saw even Deidara ate. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was barely 7 am. '_No one around here eats until at least 7:30, still, why didn't Dei wake me?_' Shuffling to Dei, he reached to hug him only for the blonde brush past him for the fridge. "Uh, hi Dei..?" As if he just notice his Danna, Dei glanced at him uninterestedly at him, "Sup, un?" Shocked by the cold shoulder, he stared at the bomber, "Is something wrong?" Shaking his head, the blonde went back to rummaging in the fridge. "Get out the fridge, you're wasting electricity!" "FUCK OFF KAKUZU YOU CHEAP BITCH!" Sasori sighed, "How come you didn't give me a morning hug or at least wake me for breakfast." The blonde rolled his eyes, "Stop being whiny and I'm not your maid." Leaving his drink, Dei didn't spare Danna a glance tossing back a, "See you Akasuna-san" and was gone. This broke Sasori's heart, but he refused to show his tears. He tried to make himself breakfast, but everything was gone, even his cereal which he knew he didn't eat. Giving up, he tried to keep it together and make coffee, but it was empty. "All gone, dumbass Pinnochio," Hidan shouted as he shoved the poor birthday puppet aside, knocking him to the ground and making him crack his arm. The laughs the scene received from the other Akatsuki members, broke the small redhead, who grabbed shoes and money before booking it from the cave. No one, but Hidan could see the tear that cascaded the little puppet's cheek. Hidan stared after Sasori, '_Shit, I feel bad._'

An hour later, Sasori was finally cooled off enough to return to base, but he was reluctant. Sighing, he entered and was greeted with silence. He shuffled to the living room and saw Itachi reading and Kisame watching tv. He sat between them. "Well, I'm done," Kisame said turning off the tv and secretly taking the batteries before leaving, "See you bat, marionette." He glared after the man, '_Type of shitty nickname is that?!_' He grumbled and took the remote. He tried to turn the tv back on, but after several tries, he got frustrated and saw the missing batteries. "KISAME GIVE BACK THE BATTERIES DICK!" "FUCK OFF PUPPET!!!!!!" "YOU LITT-" He was silenced by a book to the face from Itachi, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Shocked and fixing his head back properly, the puppet stared at his best friend hurt. He simply sighed and picked up a book trying to read. Only a few seconds later it was snatched. "Mine." He stared Itachi pissed, "It has my name in it, you prick!" His response was another smack by a book and the raven leaving. '_What did I do?! WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE TODAY?!' "_WHY?! WHY ARE YOU ALL BEING IN SUFFERABLE ASSHOLE TODAY?!" The temperature dropped, "Excuse me?!" He saw a pissed off Pein and Konan and an even angrier Kakuzu, "You took money." It was a while before a seriously damaged Sasori dragged himself back to his room broken. Emotionally and physically and he had no clue what he did wrong. '_Is...Is this my punishment for being born? Granny was right. No one loves me, not her, my parents, the Akatsuki....Deidara._' He broke down in tears as he began to repair himself.

~Flashback over~

Finishing his packing, the ex-Suna nin rose and looked around on last time. What was left of his heart shattered as he stared at Dei's side. "_I guess you were right Dei, eternity is bullshit. Our love was fleeting, but damn was it a bang.' _The puppet sighed and left his room only to be met with total darkness. '_What the fuck._' He was grabbed the second his door shut, but he wasn't going easy. Slamming his head back, the person shouted in agony and released him. He started to run, but that was halted as he was dragged into a room. He swore and struggled until he was sat in a chair and the room lit up. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNA!" He was met with the whole Akatsuki, in a decorated room full of food, gifts, a cake, and smiling faces. He stared at everyone confused and pissed. "SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON NOW BEFORE I KILL ALL OF YOU!!!!!!" Everyone stared at him shocked, Konan spoke up, "It's your party silly! You didn't think we forgot did you?" He growled, "After the abuse, you bastards gave me all day, what do you think?!" Now everyone looked down, Hidan who mumbled sadly, "I knew we took it too far." Itachi touched his best friend's shoulder only to have it slapped away. "We wanted to surprise you." He looked at no one, "That was no reason, to hurt me the way you did." Pein spoke up, seeing the boy's scroll and missing cloak. "Where were you going?" "I quit the Akatsuki. I'm done with being taken advantage of! NONE OF YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME! TODAY BROKE ME AND MY HEART SO I'M LEAVING!"

The whole room became horrified, "YOU CAN'T/DON'T/WAIT SASORI!" Many responses were shouted, "Who will cheer us up with puppet shows?!" "Who will tell the best stories?!" "No one's a garden buddy like you!" "No one can be as good company!" "No one gives better advice!" "There's not a better listener!" "No one's better at games!" "No one has your patience when it comes to helping!" "No one's a better friend!" "No one's you Sasori!" Everyone stared at him hurt and desperate, "DON'T GO!" Though he was touched, he was still very hurt, "Why should I stay?!" They look at each other and smile sadly, "At least wait a few minutes!" A voice filled the room, "My love, you can't miss the main event!" A certain blond waltzed in the room, with his hair fabulously styled and he's flaunting a fabulous suit. Danna nearly had a heart attack and Kakuzu nearly did too. '_THAT PRICE MUST HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE ROOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!_' He reminded himself it was for Sasori. Meanwhile, Sasori was trying to get it together, '_I'm supposed to be angry!' _"I don't have time for this! I'm leaving!" He stood only for Pein to hold him down. "No, you are going to sit and watch." "I don't have to follow your orders." "You also don't have to keep your head." "..." With that settled he watched as Deidara and Konan, in a white dress that slit down her left leg and black pumps, smoothly sat on a piano as Itachi in a suit as well sat behind it. Naruto and Gaara, who appeared from literally nowhere, came in wearing suits. Naruto was on guitar and Gaara violin. Dei handed Konan a microphone as Itachi began to play.

<https://youtu.be/4XC83_BU1OU> <- (Click or the next part won't make sense) "Singing" (Them singing with or between the other's lines) **"****Them singing together" **(Listen to the song, you'll get it.)

"_My love, there's only you in my life. The only thing that's right." _Dei's beautiful voice filled the room, shocking all but the three performers, even our puppet was stunned. "My first love, (Yeah), you're every breath that I take. You're every step I make." The two boys weaved their instruments in. Holding the notes at every perfect moment, Konan continued the melody, but Sasori's eyes were locked with Deidara. '_I never knew Deidara could be so...gentle...hell I didn't know he had such a beautiful voice.' _Sasori melted and Pein released his grip, now simply relaxed against the puppet. Hidan in a fabulous, grey suit, began to drum. The whole room was entranced as the two harmonized,"_And I (And I)" _**_"I want to share all my love _**with you." "No one else will do (Mh)" Sasori's heart melted at the confession, remembering the nights he held the blonde or the swayed under the moon and trees with no music at all. "And your eyes (Your eyes, your eyes.)" **_"They tell me how much you care." _**The puppet thought to them staring in each other's eyes, never needing to speak as he stroked the long blonde's locks, as the bomber's hands nestled in his hair and rested on his waist. "**_Oh yes. You will always be, my endless love." "Ooh yeah" _**The rest of the Akatsuki were smiling and waving candles as Deidara stood and walked to his redhead. **_"Two hearts. Two hearts that beat as one. Our lives have just begun." _**Plucking him up, he pulled him in their usual dance position. Danna's arms tossed around his neck and his head laying over's Deidara's heart and Dei's arms wrapped around his Danna's waist. The others smiled at their love. '_Something in this organization that's truly special, worth protecting.' __"And forever (Forever)" **"I'll hold you close in my arms. I can't resist your charms." **"No no no no" (No no no) _Smiling, Dei twirled his love and resisted the urge to chuckle his love-struck expression. His natural grace. Those beautiful brown eyes. And the smile, boy that smile. Rare, but always the brightest thing in the room. It can shake anyone and everyone to their core. '_How did I end up so lucky and I nearly lost him. Never again, I'll hold you, Danna, every day if you let me.' "And I (And I)" _Swaying with his love, Dei became more passionate, **_"I'll be a fool for you." _**Everyone in the room though of the lengths, both will go to get the other happy, from pranks to walks to cuddle sessions to giving up their art. Their love knows no bounds nor does their loyalty. "_**I'm sure**_, _you know I don't mind. (No, you know I don't mind)" _Waltzing around the room, the couple got lost in their own world. "_'Cause baby you (Baby, baby, baby, baby)" **"You mean the world to me, yeah. Oooh." **_Dei twirled Danna in his arms and held him tight, he stared right in his eyes. **_"I know, I've found in you, My endless love." _**Gaara picked up with a guitar solo and the coupled swayed occasionally, stealing kisses from each other and overall being happy. **_"Yeah, ye-ah, ye-ah." _**Kakuzu was stealthily unpacking Danna's stuff. (Yup, he has a soul, who knew?) "**_, Do do, d_****_o dooo, do do do. Do do, do dooo, do do do." _**Hitting the climax of the song, Konan and Deidara went all out. **_"Whoaaaaa." _**_"And I (Love, love, love)" **"**_**_I'll be that fool for you. _**_(For you, baby)" _Scooping Danna up, so his knees straddled his neck and Dei's arms held his thighs, Dei smiled at him very silly. Sasori couldn't help but laugh as they spun and grinned down at his bomber. "I'm sure ('Cause I'm so sure) **that you know** I don't mind (You know I don't mind)" Dei slid his Danna down so his legs wrapped around his waist and arms around his neck and Dei held his back and buns. **"_And, yes, you'll be the only one!" _**Setting him down entirely, Deidara did an incredible waltz, spinning his Danna in the air as the final lines were sung with flair. **_"'cause no one, no one can deny, this love I have inside. And I'll give it all to you." _**Hold his Danna close, he just rested his forehead on the red head's collarbone as the puppet stroked his hair. "_My love, my love, my love (My my my)" **"My Endless Love" **"Mmh" _Dei lifted his head and looked at his doll in the eyes, "_My love." _As the piano ended, Dei finished it, with a kiss. 

Everyone cheered, the two pulled away as their tears fell together. Both instantly sputtered, "I'm so sorry." Dei held his Danna, "Don't leave me, please." His Danna held back, uttering with the most passion ever spoken from him, "Never." Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, nearly losing family is suffocating. They all smiled at the birthday redhead, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNA! OUR PRECIOUS PUPPET!"

Cake was eaten, gifts given, games played, and movies watched. Only after everyone fell asleep, did the couple go to their room. Sasori playing with his newly made Deidara puppet while Dei made a nonexplosive clay heart with their initials carved in. "You know Danna, un, " "Hm, Dei?" "I don't believe in eternity-" "I know Dei, don't start that now." "Shut up and listen, hm!" Rolling those chocolate orbs, he gazed at his blonde love, "I don't believe in eternity, but us, our love...it's the one thing, the only art, that I hope really last forever. The only thing, that I pray to Pein-sama, isn't fleeting." Sasori smiled at his Deidara, "It will be eternal." Dei smile, "Endless." They grinned at each other and leaned in close, **_"Our Endless Love._****_"_**

** _ _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My birthday is tomorrow and Danna is my favorite character, so I was very happy our birthdays were a day apart. I wanted to do something special, for such a great character, happy birthday Danna!


	4. It Was That Easy?! Oh, Come On!

"Ok Itachi, let's find a way...What the hell?!" Cut off at seeing a flash of blonde and orange go past them in their peripheral vision, the two followed. Hidden away in the trees, the two watched disgusted as the leaf villagers surrounded the poor boy. "WHEN WILL YOU JUST CROAK YOU FUCKING MENACE?!" The small blonde just cringed as he was kicked in the ribs. "LEAVE HERE AND GIVE US PEACE!" "DO US A FAVOR AND DIVE OFF A CLIFF!" The boy laid silent and motionless as he received his beating and more insults came. He frowned when screams filled his ears and soon realized that he was alone. '_D-Did they leave...? What scared them...?' _Unknown to him, nothing scared them and they didn't get to leave. Itachi and Kisame attempting to calm down after their killfest, followed Naruto as he ran to his house confused, but happy. Secretly to even them, a smiling Nara watched it all, '_It's not who I expected to be a hero, definitely not conventional, but it is very refreshing. How do I go about this...?' _He sighed, "How troublesome." 

Bursting in his apartment, Naruto slid down the door exhausted, **_'_****Kit when will you let me kill these wretched villagers?!_' _**The sound of Kyubbi in his head nearly scared him to death. '_Shitty fox you scared the hell out of me! And never!' **'**_**Why?! They treat you like garbage day in and day out no matter what you do!'**_'One day...' **'**_**One day they will say "fuck it" and kill you!**_**' **'No they......I know...' _Footsteps in his apartment made him aware of the strong chakra levels in his house, '_How did I miss that?!' _He began the silent search around his house and eventually turning up nothing he relaxed. "You know, your apartment is a fucking mess." With a scream, he turned and kicked the intruder as hard as he could in the nards. "FUC-GAK!" Crumbling to the ground in silent agony, Kisame felt tears slip down his face as his spirit departed. Itachi rolled his eyes and shoved the spirit back in, "Get up." Turning his gaze to Naruto he lifted the boy by his scruff like a cat, "Let's chat." And that was how Naruto awkwardly sat across two S-nins, while one of them shoved ice under their cloak. **_'This is fucking weird.' _**For once he and Kyubbi agreed on something, probably never going to happen again. "We want you in the Akatsuki." At this blunt ass statement, Naruto did a tripletake, "HUH!?"

After a quite long conversation Naruto relax, "I understand what you're offering, but you're also asking me to give up everything to go with you." Itachi nodded, "We know it's a lot, but we figured with the abuse you take here and your loneliness, you'd be perfect." **'He has a point, they're the least likely to judge and the most likely to appreciate you.' **_"How so?' _**'They all have awful past and things that make them different, that's why they work so well together.' **_'They're all equally fucked up.' _**'Exactly, you can get stronger, have the family you always wanted, and most importantly I won't have to get pissed at people attacking you all the time.' **_'Fair enough mama Kurama.' _**'I've warned you about that, keep it up and I'll find a way to kick your ass.' **_'You can try.' "_uto...aruto...NARUTO!" Finally coming back to reality, he was met with Itachi's concerned eyes. "Yeesh welcome back." Sheepishly scratching his cheek, he grinned, "Sorry thinking." "Tch that's dangerous..." Glaring at the shark-nin, he muttered, "Watch it fish breath!" Sighing the raven uttered the simple phrase of, "I'm surrounded by children," making both parties shut up. "So Naruto your choice?" Naruto jumped up excited, "I'll go!" Both nins facepalmed hard, "I can't believe that fucking worked!" "All the times we came after this kid...." "AND IT WAS THAT EASY!" Naruto silently backed away to pack his bags. Once done, they all thought they could finally leave when a knock sounded from the door. "Shit! Probably pinkie!" Opening the door, stood his closest friend, but his current worse nightmare. "Hello Naruto," there stood Shikamaru Nara. 

**_'It just had to be the genius didn't it?!' _**Oh look, they agreed again! "H-Hey Shikamaru, why are you here?" "Investigating why you have two S-ranked missing nins in your house." Naruto began to internally screech, "Huh?! What do you mean I don't!" Shikamaru rolled his eyes, but said nothing and simply walked right in and the sight made both boys nearly die laughing. He saw Itachi hair down, sassy red lipstick on, lines covered up by makeup, a black kimono, something under the kimono making him look pregnant, and elegant red shoes, he looked fine, beautiful actually the was Kisame. He tried to cover up the blue with tan skin tone makeup, a casual shirt and pants, and ninja shoes, he failed. The clothes were too small, makeup did nothing to help that, and he forgot to do his feet, but kept his arm around Itachi's waist like all was normal.

Itachi was struggling to hold his own laughter, in his best girly voice Itachi said, "Thank you for your assistance young man, but we should be going." Shikamaru pulled himself together and a devious smirk. "What exactly did he help with Miss...?" "Oh pardon my rudeness, I'm Aka Karasu and....this.....is my husband Same Karasu, we were lost and running low on supplies, but this young man helped a lot." Shikamaru literally couldn't anymore, "This is a joke right, you expected me to believe this?" Kisame looked offended, "Excuse me, young man." "MAKEUP CAN'T COVER THAT YOU'RE BLUE, A DISGUISE CAN'T COVER YOUR CHAKRA THAT YOU DIDN'T CONCEAL FROM THE FOREST, KISAME YOUR CLOTHES ARE TOO SMALL, AND ITACHI YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN IDIOT!" Both sighed, cause neither could argue. "Itachi you expected me to believe that the boy, that lives on only ramen and never cleans his house gave you food and supplies." The raven facepalmed mega hard at that, "Fair point..." "Though stellar performance, you should've been an actor." Itachi smirked, "At least you have good taste." Naruto finally entered the conversation, "So are you going to turn us in..." Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, "Of course not dumbass, after these two protected you, I couldn't. Besides I heard it all and you deserve more than this place, you deserve to be happy."

Now everyone was confused, but Kisame spoke up, "Why come then, I wanted to see your reactions, wasn't disappointed." A series of groans followed his comment, "But I also wanted to know you'd protect him and for Naruto to know I have his back, I always did." Naruto teared up and hugged his friend tight, "I'll miss you Naruto, but I will always support you, if you ever need help, just let me know." The criminals couldn't help, but smile, "You always were a good kid Nara." Shika smiled at Itachi, "Protect him please, he's had it rough." Itachi nodded, "You have my word." Naruto became upset, "I can't believe this is goodbye." "No, you need to go. I don't want anything irreversible to happen to you. I'll miss you too, but I want you safe more." "There's an alternative." Both boys turned to Kisame was he handed something to Shikamaru, "This was Itachi's idea." Shika stared at the older teen lost as hell, "Inside is a seal, a ring, and instructions. Use it, when you want to visit Naruto or summon him to you." Eyes widening, the young Nara stared at Itachi surprised, but merely smiled and nodded. "Thank you, but you should go before Anbu comes. Goodbye for now Naruto." With one more hug to his friend and grateful look to the S-nins, Shikamaru left, but not forever as he thought. 

Finally leaving, Naruto glances back at Konoha but felt no regret only joy. "I'm free." The three took off for the base, "So tell me about the other members." This made the two nins chuckle, "Oh where to begin...." "Go from weirdest to least." "Oh boy ok, well that would be the immortal crew I guess." "THERE ARE IMMORTALS?!" "Yes, Hidan and Kakuzu." "Are they nice?" The S-nins looked at each other and then burst into uncontrollable laughter. Naruto was confused, '_What did I say?' "_Ahem, Naruto they are complete assholes. Hidan is an arrogant prick and Kakuzu is a selfish money hungry cheapskate." Naruto frowned at Itachi's description, "Are any of you nice?" This made Kisame think, "Yes, me, Itachi if he's in a good mood or you're nice, Sasori if you're respectful, Deidara if you're fun, Konan cause she's just a mom, Pein if you're not annoying, and Zetsu if you're a plant or like them." Naruto sighed, "Who do you think I'll get along with the best?" Itachi spoke instantly, "Deidara, definitely." Kisame and Naruto stared at Itachi, "Deidara?" Itachi rolled those dark orbs, "They're both hyperactive, blonde, loudmouths, and I'm sure Naruto will love Deidara's "art" as much as him." Kisame shrugged, "Good point, Sasori will probably like you too considering you'll remind him of Deidara." "Are they close?" "Yes, they're dating." This made Naruto trip and fall, but Itachi saved his ass quickly, "You have a problem with gays?" Naruto blushed and shook his head, **_"Can't hate your own kind." _**"Great then you'll be fine." 

After a long day of traveling and Naruto shoving Akatsuki knowledge into his skull, the trio took a break at an inn to rest. "I'm starving! Do they have ramen in this town?" Kisame sighed, "I think I saw a shop on the way in." "What are we waiting for?!" Itachi grinned, "Somethings don't change." Naruto frowned nervously, "Is that a bad thing?" He received a pat on the head, "Not at all, it's pleasant. You're a good kid with a big heart." After being seated and ordering, Naruto eyed Itachi confused, "You are being way more expressive and talkative than normal especially considering you're a Uchiha." Kisame chuckled, "Good point, I forgot to mention this. Itachi was going blind so Sasori created the first-ever cure for Uchiha disease." "Uchiha what?" "A disease on Sharingan users get, basically they get sick, become blind, a bunch of other bad things!" "So Itachi was becoming blind." "He was blind as hell!" Itachi slowly looked at Kisame, "I will hurt you." Kisame instantly shut up. "Is Itachi that scary Kisame, geez?" Kisame shuddered and nodded, "Yes, yes he is." "Hm.." With Kisame and Naruto in silent awareness, all was silent until they made it to their inn to rest. After several days of travel, they made it to the base and Naruto could merely stare in slight horror. "You guys are serious that...well that you guys wanted me..?" "We're a lot of things Naruto, liars aren't one, not anymore." Both smiled at him, "Welcome to the Akatsuki Naruto, your new crazy-ass, whiplash-inducing, loving home."


	5. Allow me to Intervene

Yeah, I already knew this was coming eventually, but let me nip it in the ass here. I love comments, they drive me on how to write and where I am taking my story next, so thank you to the few comments I get. If more of you want to give advice, thoughts, or whatever about where you want the story to go, hit me up in the comments I will definitely read and reply. Now the bad part about the comments is that you have people who leave hate messages. Again I expected this, though I don't like it. There's a difference between constructive criticism and hate messages for example:

Hate Message I got this morning: 

"Kill yourself, fucked up virgin fag." 

Constructive criticism that I haven't got yet:

"Your story is a bit dull, maybe you can excite it more."

One is okay and the other is not, can you guess which? (I said sarcastically) Dudes, that message I got this morning is not ok and I don't feel like having to deal with it again. Frankly, you don't impact me, but you impact the flow of the comments and it's tiresome already. All you will get is a sarcastic comment from me and a spam button, that's it. I know it's one comment and many of you will think this is dramatic, but I not doing this for a scene, I'm doing this as a statement. If you are going to leave comments do it, I want them please bury me in messages. If you are going to leave constructive criticism pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee do it, that's part of why comments are so damn important in the first place! **If you are going to leave hate messages, go away, you're not doing anything but getting a spam button by leaving them. Save me time and effort and your conscience by keeping the hate to yourself! **

Have a beautiful day, leave **good **messages, and thank you for reading my story, I truly appreciate it. 


	6. Sh-No? He? Uh, That's My Mentor? Really?!

After entering the hideout Naruto was confused. "Are you sure this is the right place?" Itachi raised an eyebrow, "That's a joke right?" The blonde shook his head. Kisame chuckled, "Too normal?" Naruto nodded fast, "Yeah, it looks like a huge, but normal home. Not what I was expecting from the base of a criminal terrorist organization." Kisame laughs, "We remodeled a lot." He looked around the newly done home. "It looked creepy as hell before, but after switching leaders, this is what it turned into. I prefer it, it shows our permanent change, no longer villains." Naruto could only smile, "_I guess they were truthful, this won't be a bad thing after all." _Everyone looked up at the sound of footsteps. Naruto saw a blonde woman walk up, "_Long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, fabulously done nails, black tank top, and grey sweats. She's very pretty, my sexy jutsu could compete though." _**"Poor dumbass kit." **_"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!" _Hearing Kurama's snickering in response Naruto mentally groaned but focused back on the lady. "Welcome back, safe mission, yeah?" Naruto instantly froze at the voice, "HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!" He literally fell back in shock and startled everyone around him. Itachi kneeled by him, "What's wrong?" In shock, Naruto merely stuttered and pointed at the blonde, "S-Sh-H-He....huh...?" Kurama laughed his ass off in his head, **"There's your answer kit!!!!" **The tall blonde caught on instantly and went from nice to mean even faster. Yanking the orange-clad blonde clean off the ground by his collar, he glared in his soul. "Listen here, un, I'm no woman! I am a man, I let you off once with this mistake, hm. You used it...the names Deidara, yeah." Dropping the boy, Dei turned to the other two. "Let's go, leader-sama is waiting." 

Staring at the door Naruto couldn't help, but be nervous. "_Inside this room, is someone strong enough to lead a group of S-rank criminals. He could kill me in an instant. What if this is a trap? A mistake! A-" _His mental rambling was cut off by a gentle hand on his head. He turned to surprisingly see Deidara bend to his height. "Second thoughts, hm?" Naruto flinched, "_Busted." _Dei chuckled. "I thought so and it's okay. This is a big choice. But that's all it is. A choice. Even if you change your mind while in there. Leader made it a point, that this is fully your choice. No harm will come if you say no." Naruto stared nervously, "But what if...I'm not good enough to be here...? I was labeled as useless in my-" Dei again cut him off, "We aren't them. We're not your abusive village. You matter here. You are not useless. You never were." This rocked Naruto to the core and tears bubbled to the surface. Pulling the young boy in a hug, he calmly pets his hair. "We'll never hurt you. Doubt you. Scare you. None of it. This is a haven. A home. We're here to teach you. Guide you. Protect you. But most of all, love you. Everyone here is a family. Weak or strong we support each other." Soft tears trailed from the fox boy's eyes. "_This is what it's like to have someone care...?" _**"Yeah kit, it is." **_"Besides you Ku." _"I hope you say yes Naruto, hear your story broke my heart, a child shouldn't go through that." Naruto shrugged a bit, "I got used to it." "You shouldn't have needed to. And you never will again, you're safe here." Finally calm, Naruto wiped his eyed and nodded. "Let's do it!" Grinning Deidara stood and opened the door. But the man inside made Deidara frown, "Wait...Who are you?"

Sitting at his leader's desk was a small adorable looking man. He was young and had pale skin that made him look like a ghost, vibrant red hair that stood out, but what made Deidara instantly recognize him were his eyes. Rinnegan... "L-Leader-sama?" The smile pretty shyly and nodded. Moving Naruto in Deidara shut the door. "Not that it's at all an unpleasant one, what's with the new look?" "Well Deidara, this was my original body. Your boyfriend has been working endlessly on it and well...it hasn't looked like this since I was younger." Naruto blinked owlishly, "_Boyfriend? New body? The fuck?" _Deidara smiled, "_Danna is amazing." _"I thought it was broken beyond repair but not so, I guess." Dei was curious, "So is it fully functional, I don't know. This is the first test run, Sasori is just monitoring today." Dei pouted, "Where is he?" The redhead chuckled, "Taking a break, he'll be back soon." "Good you've been stealing him from me!" Holding his hands up in defense his leader smirked, "Maybe he likes me better." Deidara stared in shock before taking his earrings off, "EXCUSE ME?!" Seeing Deidara ready to fight, the man laughed, "I'm teasing settle down, let's start business yes." Naruto was trying not to laugh at the whole scene. "_Damn, I was hoping they forgot my existence, this is hysterical!" _Naruto smiled at the tomato man, "Hello Leader-sama." The man chuckled, "Please Naruto, call me Nagato. Nagato Uzumaki." 

Naruto stared at the man shocked, "U-Uzumaki....?! You're in my clan!?" Nagato smiled and stood up nodding, "That's why I wanted to bring you here first. I was angry knowing my family was suffering, then I got nervous over the idea of you saying no." Nagato cut off his embarrassing ramble and looked away as red as his hair. Soon he stumbled from the impact of a small body hugging him. Looking down, he saw a pair of teary crystal ones staring back at him. "Don't be fake." "Huh?" "I don't want this to be a dream. To have everything I ever wanted...only for it all to be fake." The two men looked at the boy and their hearts melted. "It's ok sunshine, this isn't a dream. Not this time." Naruto laughed and smiled as he cried, holding on to the redhead happily. "So is it a yes you'll stay?" Naruto grinned at Deidara, "Of course!" The blonde cheered with Nagato at the new member. "Deidara go, alert everyone of the new member, while I change bodies." Deidara stood, "Aye leader-sama!" The door opened and in came a second redhead who stared at the tiny body clinging to his leader. "Oh my gosh, a second Deidara....the dream is alive!!!" 

In the Akatsuki board room, all the members stared at the little innocent ball of cuteness and sunshine in Sasori's arms. Sasori hasn't let go of the little boy yet and has no plan to. Finally, their leader strode in rocking his usual body and Naruto stared amazed, "_He looks so cool!" _**"Hate to admit it, but I agree." **"Everyone, we have a new addition to the Akatsuki!" A grey hair man started laughing, "You finally knock up Konan!?" Feeling the wave of death fill the room, everyone got as far from that grey hair man as possible. Naruto was so confused until he heard “ALMIGHTY PUSH” and saw literally air throw the man through several walls. “DAMNIT HIDAN THAT’S GOING TO BE EXPENSIVE!!!!!” “SHUT UP KAKUZU! YOU GREEDY ASS MISER!” Naruto looked at the masked man that yelled at the grey. “So grey-haired man is Hidan and masked is Kakuzu. Got it.” Naruto felt Sasori cover his ears. “BOTH OF YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTHS!” “SHUT UP THE FUCK UP PINOCCHIO!” This caught Deidara's attention, who was fixing his hair, "HEY!!! DON'T YOU INSULT MY DANNAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kisame snickered, "Guys, I'd calm down before leader kills us!" Everyone but Naruto, Itachi, Pein, and Konan, snapped their glares to Kisame, "SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE WE HAVE SEAFOOD FOR DINNER!!!!!" **"_I've never seen someone go from blue to white before._" **Itachi chose to intelligently stay quiet, so he didn't have to kill anyone. Konan chose to intervene, "Everyone settle down so we can continue the meeting!" "FUCK OFF WOM-AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! PAPERCUTS!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone cringed at Hidan being covered everywhere with tiny cuts, except Naruto who had his eyes covered by Sasori. "Anyone else?" The only thing that answered Konan was silence. "Thank you Konan, now our new edition is a young boy from the Hidden Leaf. Naruto Uzumaki." All heads turned to Naruto, Kakuzu chose to speak up, "He looks expensive." "Can he fight?" "Will he be alright on missions?" "Who will take care of him?" Pein cut them off with a huge tick mark on his head, "WE WENT OVER THIS AT THE LAST MEETING! WHAT THE FU-" He instantly calmed down at the death look Sasori was sending him. "Do you really want to finish that word leader-sama...?" Pein cleared his throat. "A-Anyway, since clearly no one pays attention to these meetings I'll repeat." 

"Naruto's team and rooming were to be decided by whoever made the biggest impact and connection on him. Naruto, who was that to you?" That made the young blonde intently think about all that happened since arriving. "Well....Itachi and Kisame were like really fun older brothers and always kept my spirits up, going to great lengths to make me happy." This made the pair smile at him. "I don't know Hidan or Kakuzu very well, but they seem extremely fun, I doubt life will truly be boring with them." The two became shocked at the opinion but were touched by it. "Leader and Konan seem very wise and kind, I know I can go to them with anything." The duo smiled and ruffled his hair caringly. "But...if I'm being honest, Sasori and Deidara made the biggest impact on me." This shocked all, but Pein and Itachi, especially Deidara and Sasori themselves. Both look at the fox boy, "Did we really?" Naruto nodded confidently standing in Sasori's lap and instinctively Sasori held on to his legs, "See! You're naturally caring and protective!" Sasori blushed embarrassed and tried to stutter something out, but instead, Naruto covered his mouth. "Shush! The second I got here Deidar was very kind to me...he comforted me through my pain and doubts. He made me feel welcome and confident! He constantly helped and protected me and I haven't felt this happy in so long..." Sasori softly moved his hands, "I understood Deidara, but not me. You've known me such a short time, how could I have impacted you?" Naruto gave him "really?" stare. "_How oblivious he is!" **"**_**He's a puppet, he probably isn't good with emotions." **"_He's still human, he's a human puppet! I mean he loves Deidara and wants to protect me!" _**"Good point." **"Sasori, since the second you saw me, you haven't put me down. Hugging me and petting my hair. You were being so loving and motherly, I've never felt anything like it. It was so sincere and powerful. Not wanting me to hear cussing or see violence ironically. How could you not have impacted me?!" Sasori visibly looked shocked, but everyone could see the happiness on his face which was the most surprising thing all day.

"W-Well....I guess that settles that. Naruto shall be placed in the care of Sasori and Deidara. In their team and room. They will teach him our ways and what we're about." Everyone nodded to their leader, "He can be trained by anyone and respected by everyone. But all of you must realize he's still a child, so be lenient sometimes." With that, the meeting was over and soon all that was left in the room was Pein, Naruto, Deidara, and Sasori. "I'm trusting you both to protect him and make sure he feels welcome here." Deidara put Naruto on his back, "You can trust us, un! We already adore the hyper little fox." Pein held back a smile at the three, "While both of you will care for him, Deidara I am instructing you to be his main mentor." While Deidara was excited, Sasori was a bit rejected and upset but held it beneath his usual "resting bitch face". "I won't let you down leader-sama, come on Naruto! Let's clear space for you in the room!" Both blondes left excited to their bedroom. Sasori was rising up to leave and go for a walk to ease his nerves until he was pushed back down by the last person he wanted to deal with. "What could you possibly add to my endless workload?!" 'Tch with how much work this bastard gives me, I couldn't be Naruto's mentor anyway! Probably why he picked Deidara in the first place! This son of a-' Pein sat by him sighing, "I know you're upset with me and don't like my decision bu-" Sasori exploded.

"YEAH, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DON'T! I WORK MY ASS OF DAY AND NIGHT FOR YOU!" "Saso-" "PUTTING UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT AND EVERYONE ELSE'S BULLSHIT! ACCOMPLISHING THE IMPOSSIBLE!" "Sasori-" "NO TO MENTION YOU KEEP ADDING MORE AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY TIME IN BETWEEN TO DO THE SHIT!" "Sasori!" "AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO REST OR BREATHE! BUT DO I GET A "Thank you Sasori" "Take a break Sasori" "I appreciate all you've done for my ridiculous UNREASONABLE TASKS!!!!!" NO ALL I GET IS MORE WORKKKKKKKKKKKKK! SO I FIND YOUR DECISION TO BE ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKING BULL-" "SASORI!!!!!!!" "WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!" Letting him pant and cool down, Pein looked at his friend amused. "Calm?" Sasori sighed before nodding tiredly. "I'm sorry." Pein merely ruffled his fluffy red locks laughing, "Relax I understand and it should be me apologizing. I know it's a lot, but I know you're the only one capable of doing all of this stuff right." Sasori smiled a bit, but the disappointment still lingered in his eyes. "Your workload isn't why I made the choice I did. I believe you could've handled both flawlessly." Sasori couldn't tell if that hurt more or less, "Then...why...?" Pein shushed the puppet boy. "You'll understand soon, I merely ask you to be patient and trust me." "You know patience isn't a strong suit of mine..." "Please..?" Sighing the young redhead simply nodding and mumbled a small, "okay." This made Pein smile as he unknowingly left the redhead with a mindful of questions and a heavy heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks in* Um, hi. *walks in* Yooooooooooooooooooo, so I'm not dead, great! I'm extremely sorry, I know I've been gone a very long time, it wasn't intentional at all! Between school, constantly being sick, constantly being stress, and being tired a lot I kind of had to put this and my other stories on hold. I sincerely apologize and will do my best to update more frequently because I love these stories and I'm not ready to let them die, just yet. But please Kudos and Comment to let me know where you want things to go! Have a great day!


	7. They're the Akatsuki, Yes? Are You Sure?

If you asked Naruto what he thought the Akatsuki was like, he probably would've said, "Deadly, Murderous, Terrifying, Psychotic, Ruthless, Evil...," typical villain shit but most of all, "Powerful." If you asked him now he'd say, "Fucking insane, but hysterical." He swore, he'd never meet a better group of fucking crackheads in his life and the best part is that you love them all! For instance this morning!

~Flashback~

He was peacefully snaked around his pillow, drooling, and dreaming of Sasu-I mean ramen. When he heard something. "_What is that? Talking? Yeah, probably. Wait...TALKING IN MY EMPTY APARTMENT?!_" He shot up and looked around, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, then smiled. _"Oh yeah, I'm not at my lonely crummy apartment, I was taken in by a group of notorious S-ranked criminals." _He heard a snort in his head, signaling his pet fox is up. "**I'm not your damn pet, Kit! Also, how and why can you say that so easily?" **Naruto simply shrugged. "_I've been here a short time and they already treat me way better here than in all my time living in Konoha._" Kurama was silent and let the sad truth linger. Soon Naruto focused back on the voices and instantly put faces to them. "_Oh yeah, Deidara and Sasori...._" **"The fuck are they?" **"_The gays." **"**_**Rightttttttttttttttt, gotcha!**_**" **_Both proceeded to listen to them chat while the duo was getting ready in their shared bathroom. "Dannaaaaaa, have you seen my makeupppppp," the blonde whined, earning an eye roll from his precious puppet. "No, brat." He huffed but continued on. **"I knew, he wore makeup!" **Naruto quietly scoffed. "_Probably only a little, he seems mostly natural!" "_Dannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa where's my hair spray and flat iron?!" Unfortunately, for the bomber, his boyfriend seems to have slept in a bed of termites, since he proceeded to snap like a twig. "Deidara do I look like I use your worthless beauty trash?!" He could practically hear Deidara's heartbreak as he gasped. Naruto's jaw-dropped. **_"Shit, he shouldn't have said that," _**Naruto and Kurama agreed on. "YOU'RE RIGHT YOU DON'T! NO, THE ONLY THING YOUR PATHETIC PUPPET ASS USES IS PINE-SOL AS MOISTURIZER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A beat of silence. Then another. Once more. BAM! Suddenly a punch was heard and Dei crashed into the bedroom wall. Sasori soon ran out in only his pants enraged. "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE! I HAVE A NEW POISON YOU CAN TRY OUT!!!!!!!!" Deidara bolted in the hall away from him, but Sasori was quick to catch up and it wasn't long before everyone was trying to break them up. "Deidara here's your flat iron, hairspray, and makeup!" Silence. Everyone slowly turned to Hidan coming over holding said products before seeing the commotion and frowning confused. "Did I miss something?" Naruto sighed, "_Goodbye, Hidan...._" The gays descended upon Hidan like starving lions and ripped him limb from limb. By the time they walked back to their room hand in hand, Hidan was completely ripped apart and confused. "I left a note this time....," he whimpered as Kakuzu picked his parts up after kissing his cheek. "I'll buy you your own products..." "Really???" "Don't get used to it...." Naruto smiled at the two before laying back down. "I've only been up 15 minutes, what the hell...?"

Breakfast was no better. It was Itachi's turn to cook and the man is a GOD in the kitchen, on top of looking like one. Everything was going well...until it wasn't. Konan looked at Itachi calmly, "Itachi, I think you overdid the eggs." Sasori and Kisame tensed before slowly grabbing their breakfast and sliding under the table. Sasori then grabbed Naruto's stuff and brought him under too. They could still see from underneath the table and hear what they couldn't see. Itachi slowly turned to them. "Oh...you don't like it? THEN DO IT YOUR FUCKING SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He nailed them in the forehead with an egg knocking them out of their chair and to the ground. Everyone gaped in sheer horror. "_HE'S ON HIS MEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!" "_DON'T BE MAD AT ME BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO SOME FUCKING EGGS!" Konan retaliated with it a knife, but Itachi blocked it. Unfortunately, it ricocheted and decapitated poor Hidan. Luckily Kakuzu caught his head. "BITCH, MY EGGS ARE LIKE MY EVERYTHING, FUCKING FLAWLESS HONEY! YOU JUST LIKE YOUR SHIT BORDERLINE RAW!!!!" Then food was thrown and everyone took cover as the two brawled. While Sasori, Kisame, and Naruto finished their breakfast. Nagato scolded them both and made them clean up and apologize. Kakuzu then retreated to fix up Hidan and Sasori gave Kakuzu money to take Hidan out to eat as an apology for earlier. "_That could've gone worse."_ **"It could've?" **"_Maybe...._"

~Flashback over~

It's been a while since breakfast and Deidara is training Naruto. Something catches his attention, making him stop. Which nearly gets him blown up, but it's fine. It was Hidan looking really upset, but not in a loud boisterous way, instead, it was silent pain. "_I know it all too well." _He ran in making Deidara chase him. Naruto tried to grab Hidan, but swiftly, Kakuzu picked him up. "Not a safe choice, he's really upset." Another voice joined the fray, "What happened?" It was Kisame. "Long story..." We took it to the living room and sat. Hidan went to his room to cool off and everyone else went to the living room to hear what transpired. Nagato looked pissed and concerned in a way only he could. Everyone else looked ready for murder, except Naruto who was simply worried about poor Hidan. Kakuzu sighed and leaned back with Naruto still in his lap and being held like a teddy bear. He didn't mind, clearly, Kakuzu needed it. "We found a village a bit away from Amegakure to eat since we couldn't earlier. And we were getting weird looks, obviously. But not the normal ones. Not because we looked strange... They were trained on the arm I had around Hidan and our painted nails." Sasori took particular offense to that since he did everyone's nails. He silently seethed and continued to listen. "Their faces were disgusted, but Hidan didn't notice them. So I bit my tongue but held him closer. When we got to a nice place to eat, we sat and ordered, you know." Everyone nodded, more to encourage than really answer.

"Afterwards, Hidan complained about the crummy morning, and I Iistened since it was pretty bad for him. He didn't even do anything today! We were holding hands across the table and it was relaxing. I even saw a smile peek out on Hidan's lips as he gazed at our hands. However, the day clearly wasn't done being absolute trash! Why? Well, our waitress came over and dumped her pot of HOT COFFEE ALL OVER HIDAN AND SMASHED THE POT IN MY FACE!" Everyone's face twisted in shock then rage. "_WHY DID SHIT HIT THE FAN SO FAST?!" _Nagato immediately sat up absolutely heated, "AND. SHE. LIVED?!" Everyone shivered but Kakuzu simply nodded. "Hidan did throw her out the window and went after her. But when I caught up to them, they were surrounded by villagers angry at Hidan! He got livid and wondered what their problems were. I already knew but he was blissfully unaware of it...or he was until they....they.." Kakuzu took a minute to breathe and calm himself. Naruto hugged him and he returned it with a quiet thanks. "They said, "Our kind wasn't welcome there. Homo-freaks and sissy boys!" And I could merely stare in amazement at their stupidity! My boyfriend had coffee dumped on him for having fabulous nails and boyfriend! AND THEY RUINED HIS MAKEUP!" All of them felt personally attacked and the aura of the room turned to one of death. "At first I thought, no hoped! Hidan was going to snap. Go on a massacre, but no..." Kakuzu shakes his head and sits up frowning, "Something was wrong. He was quiet and looked extremely hurt." He glanced to the side. "I didn't understand it and truthfully I still don't...so I just took his hand and we left. He didn't say a word the whole time...he...he even pulled his hand away." Everyone let the information sink in. Then they heard footsteps, after a solid minute.

It was Hidan. He sat on the ground across the room from Kakuzu. Two green eyes narrowed, "_Oh hell no." _Naruto got off his lap and sat between Dei and Danna. Kakuzu rose and crossed to Hidan who looked away from his boyfriend. Hidan immediately struggled when Kakuzu picked him up and crossed back to his seat. "Put me down, damn it! KAKUZU!" "No." His voice was stern enough for Hidan to begrudgingly give in. Everyone turned to him. "Stop fucking staring at me! Say something already!" Nagato asked the million-dollar question, "What's wrong....?" Hidan cringed and hid in Kakuzu's neck. Everyone agreed on one thing, "_That is fucking adorable." _The two murmured to each before the Jashinist sighed and relented. "It's just...when I was hearing them spout that...bullshit I-I dunno I thought about you guys. I mean none of us fall into the cishet (cisgender and heterosexual) group at all!" Nobody disagreed, not even Naruto which made everyone look at him. Naruto shrugged, "Raging Bisexual, my dudes." Itachi looked at him, "Neji and Shikamaru?" "Neji and Shikamaru..." Itachi snickered, "Called it~." Hidan grinned then frowned, "That's what I mean...how would they treat you guys, there are others like them! So many...How would they treat you...?" Naruto looked blanked and uttered bluntly, "Horribly....throw stones, spew mean names, slurs, grab us in weird places, and stuff..." Everyone now stared at him horrified. Nagato nearly lost his shit, "WHAT THE FUCK WENT ON IN THAT LEAF VILLAGE?!" Itachi mumbled, "Nothing good...I helped him when I could, Kakashi sometimes, Sasuke, Iruka, and the few friends he had, but even all of us wasn't enough. I went through my share of it as well and he's right on the money." Sasori hugs Naruto and Itachi tightly. "........."

Hidan nodded, "Leader is gay and Konan likes women! Me, Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori, are gay! Naruto and Itachi are raging bisexual legends! And Kisame and Zetsu are panromantic asexuals! Then Konan is agender, while Leader, me, Deidara, and Itachi are genderfluid! Kisame is a fish or at least not fully human, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Naruto give no fuck about gender rules or norms, and Zetsu is a Venus flytrap!" Everyone nods. Konan speaks up this time, "Yes we will be hated, ridiculed, insulted, and mocked. But that's fine! Do you know why?" Hidan, Naruto, Deidara, and even Danna shake their heads. "Because they're jealous. We're proud of who we are, we're comfortable in our own skin! We know who we are. What makes us happy. We're proud, loud, and open! We're different and it scares them, it should. It just means they can't handle our fabulousness." Everyone grins even Kurama, "_**What a legend."**_

Naruto jumps up, "Yeah! I never let those bullies keep me down! I had people who supported me and told me I'm fine as I am. So I never stayed down long! I'm proud of myself and you guys should be too!" Hidan grins at him, "Thanks, sunshine." Itachi smiled, "It wasn't easy coming to terms with everything about myself, especially with such a cold environment around me. It was hard to look in the mirror. I was uncomfortable, and I felt so trapped, but I was able to live through it with help. We aren't alone in this. You're not alone anymore Hidan, you have us." Nagato becomes stern, "This goes for all of you if you're having trouble with something, someone, or whatever talk to each other. You can come to me in my office if you need to, it will never leave that room. We have each other for support. For the good and bad times. We're a family. A crazy-ass one, but a family nonetheless." Zetsu pipes in, "If you're feeling like trash, if you feel like you're suffocating, drowning, if your mind isn't right, come to any of us. If you need to vent or cry, or hell even just scream your rage out, feel free. We all get like that. We get stuck in our own way, but we don't have to." A tear snuck down a certain puppet's cheek, that caught a few people's attention. Kakuzu nuzzles Hidan's cheek, "See? It doesn't matter what those cretin think." Kisame ruffles Hidan's hair, "It's what you believe, that's important. As long as you're able to look in the mirror and smile, then who cares about anyone else. Because most people will come and go in our lives, but we're stuck with ourselves and our thoughts, forever." 

Hidan let everything sink in and looked at the smiling faces of his family. "Heh," he relaxed against Kakuzu and smirks, "you all are getting soft. Thank you." Kakuzu wipes Hidan's tears and hugs him tightly before everyone joins in except for Sasori. Kakuzu swiftly took that choice away and yanked him in with his threads. They pulled away and the feel of the room became mostly light again. Itachi smiled, "How about ramen for dinner?" Naruto practically sparkled, "YES!!!!!!!! YES! YES! YES!!!!!!!!" Everyone laughed and Deidara ruffled his hair. Nagato chuckled, "Ramen it is, but first~ how about a family activity~?" Everyone caught the gist of Nagato's suggestion, even Naruto, but he smirked rather than protesting. "Suit up." And let's just say that village (or what's left of it) regretted, hurting one of their family members. So yeah, are the Akatsuki anything like Naruto was expecting? Absolutely not. They're better, so much better. Would he change anything? Absolutely not. Not a thing. They were perfect. And the best family, he could've hoped for. He was so happy they took him in.

~Omake~

Sasori sat on the porch watched the rain descend upon the ground. The words of his....family...echoed in his mind. "_Family, huh? Haven't had one of those in a long time or I thought I hadn't." _He thought over his memories in the Akatsuki. Itachi becoming an older brother, not to mention his best friend, constantly caring for him and spending time with him despite Sasori being older! Kakuzu was like an uncle watching over him and making sure he had everything he needed, and Zetsu his close friend or cousin given their similar interest and Zetsu's inability to eat him (thank fuck). Kisame was another cousin that hung with him pretty often since he thought Sasori needed more company (which he secretly cherished) and Hidan an excitable little brother that made Sasori try new things and get some fun in his life (more cherished memories because wow he needed that). Deidara his annoying, ridiculous boyfriend that he'd die for in a heartbeat, man he loves that dumbass blonde. Konan the overbearing mother-figure and Jashin help him if he had so much as a crack ANYWHERE for longer than twenty minutes! He was a dead man walking if they found out. He shuddered remember a time that happened. That left Nagato as the father with high ass expectations. He had a weird hold on, Sasori he didn't notice before...balancing as his leader and father in a weird way. Never wanting to disappoint Nagato, yet knowing it's okay if he fails. He trusts Sasori and holds him so high, that it's nervewracking and flattering!

So...why? Why is he so angry? He has the family he dreamed of! Is it because he wanted to care for Naruto, that he felt Nagato trusted him less, that he felt so brushed aside, what is it?! Whether he was in charge or Naruto or not, he'd still do anything for him! He pretty much adopted the kid, the second he saw him, so he didn't think that was it. It's true everyone goes to him, more often than not. He was constantly needed, constantly had a full plate, constantly was doing something! "_Maybe...maybe I feel used...?_" The thought hit Sasori hard as hell and left him feeling ice cold. He was startled from his thoughts when he felt a presence but relaxed when he recognized it. Itachi sat by him and gave him some tea. His favorite. Sasori didn't realize tears were streaming down his cheeks. Nor did he realize how much he needed Itachi's hug till he was wrapped in it. Itachi's body coddling Sasori's small frame. His warmth seeping in his wood. Neither spoke. They had no need. Sasori merely curled into Itachi, sipped his tea, and watched the rain. And Itachi simply comforted the slowly cracking puppet. Holding him together, when he was too weak to do it himself. "_Thank you, Itachi."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where I was going with this chapter, I meant to keep it light and failed so miserably, but the last one ended on a bleakish note and I wanted to pick up on that a bit. Sorry if this is seeming like Sasori's story, I just love him and Naruto so much. But they threw Sasori (and the whole Akatsuki) in the trash and ruined Naruto with BS and plot armor. So yeah...sorry. :D Please put up with me and my crap. I write on instinct and don't plan beforehand, I have no clue where this story is going. But I hope you like it anyway! You can yell at me, it's fine.


	8. A/N #1

HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! How's it goingggggggggggggg? Happy New Year and thank fuck we can dance on the ashes of 2020. Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy I wanted to address some stuffffffffffff! 

1.) Holy shit you guys are active in the comments and though I love it, it's overwhelming seeing so many people invested because I don't want to disappoint you guys, although is author's note is going to do exactly that. Look your author (that's me) is an antisocial awkward nerd, this is way more interaction than I'm used to so I apologize if I miss your message or don't reply.

2.) This is already branching very hard from the canon, so if I don't get a backstory full right or I change shit, don't attack me, I'm just writing what comes to my brain. It's been years since I watched the show and read the manga so a lot of shit has dipped the dip out of my brain. 

3.) The more important of them is that not ALL of the jinchuriki are going to make an appearance in the book, mostly cause I don't remember them all and I'm too lazy to read all these damn wikis. So Fuu is the most prevalent one I've seen in the comments, she wasn't originally going to make an appearance, but for the sake of being a nice (sometimes) dictator, I will see what I can do. So even if it's a minor cameo, she will appear in the book. I know this one will probably disappoint you and I'm sorry. 

4.) Also yes I know compared to a lot of the Akatsuki members, Danna didn't play the biggest role yet I'm giving him one, it's because ou of all these years he stuck with me the hardest, mostly because he is me. His birthday is a day before mine, we both have emotional scars, and we both want love (and revenge.) He's such a good and endearing character but all people see is an emotionless sadistic bastard, allow me to say...that's bullshit. So I'm sorry if he starts to feel like the main character. If you don't like it, you know where the door is my dudessssssssss. 

5.) I'm psychotic, depressed, and murderous so if my replies sometimes seem terrifying and insane, that's why. And if you came here for a nice fluffy story, run, run very fast and very far.

I think that's it. And I'm sorry my replies are everywhere, I just always have so much to do that I never have the energy to write, I'm always needed and it's exhausting. Plus I got a new puppy and he's a stubborn lil bastard, so training him has been a bitch. Plus it was my mom's birthday today and I did her usual jobs, it was hell and I'm in pain. But a new chapter is coming, this week or next. Thank you.


	9. Quick Poll #1

Do you like Demon Slayer/Kimetsu no Yaiba?

1: Yes  
2: No  
3: What the fuck is that???

One vote per person, multiple votes will be ignored.

**Author's Note:**

> I've always loved the Akatsuki since I was little, so this means a lot to me. Also, yes I know some stuff in my book can't actually happen, but I don't care it is my book and you know where the exit is. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! Toddles~


End file.
